I came around to a realization in the last couple
days. I can’t live my life always thinking of what if. My brain is my biggest
adversary and my biggest asset. Since the cancer diagnosis, it has been one of
my biggest adversaries. I spend the majority of the days and nights thinking of
what ifs.
What if they find cancer in his peritoneal cavity?
What if the chemotherapy doesn’t work?
What if the cancer comes back?
What if Jeremy dies from this?
What if we don’t get to have a long married life
together?
What if I have to do this on my own?
What if we have to go to UCSD for treatment?
What if the radiologist reading the MRI doesn’t know
what to look for?
What if we can’t have any more children?
What if he has to have another round of
chemotherapy?
What if I can’t find a job?
What if we run out of money?
What if something happens to me too?
What if something happens to Fiona?
What if I can’t handle this?
What if I can’t lose all this weight I’ve gained?
What if I actually go crazy?
As you may imagine, these thoughts don’t make for a happy,
restful or joyful life. In fact, I’m a huge downer. I’ve been so caught up
thinking about what may happen or what could happen that I have been completely
ignoring what IS happening.
Yesterday was a simple and joyful day with my
family. We went for a walk to the grocery store, played with the chickens,
played cards, played hide-and-go-seek and put on a performance in the living
room for ourselves. We laughed, I let my agenda go, I was present. I felt
lifted, happy, joyful. It was so powerful for me to be laughing with my family,
to feel happy. I’ve missed that feeling.
I realized how much I’m letting the what ifs get in
the way of the NOW. So what if the what ifs happen, if I’ve made an effort to
spend my time in the present, then I know I’ll have fewer regrets. As much as I
wish I had some control over what will happen, I don’t. This is one of my biggest
lessons. Letting go. Being present. Practicing JOY with what I have NOW.
What I have NOW…
A husband that is currently sewing me a hand
tailored skirt for our upcoming trip to Aruba.
A husband that is funny, caring, intuitive, creative,
present, positive and adores me no matter what.
A daughter that is phenomenal, beautiful, brilliant,
caring, empathetic, funny and curious. And who loves playing with her chickens.
I’m surrounded by beauty, I live in one of the most beautiful
places on Earth (and I’ve traveled).
A doctorate degree!
2 really exciting job potentials.
A huge network of support.
A husband who is 6 weeks post-surgery, whose
incision is almost closed and who can lift heavy things again!
A husband who is getting stronger every day.
A husband who has the most positive attitude about
cancer EVER!
A husband who will help me help him.
An upcoming trip to the beautiful island of Aruba.
Ten beautiful homemade fresh blueberry muffins in my
kitchen.
A husband who has cancer.
It’s my choice to start to use my brain as my asset.
I can either give cancer the power and let it overtake me or view it as only a
small part of my NOW. Each day will be a conscious effort to stay present,
especially as we get closer to August and chemo. It will not always be easy for
me to suppress the what ifs, but I know it will be so much easier to take one
moment at a time, one day at a time. And in the future, if I’m successful at
this, I’ll be much more able to cope.
Now, to spend some no-agenda time with my little
girl and husband.
